Traditions

I'm in love with this time of year. Not only do I love that it's so cold right now my fingers are permanently blue, but I love the Spirit that fills the air. I love strangers being nice to one another. I love the Christmas music, hot cocoa, sugar cookies, Christmas lights. I love the chocolate covered peppermint joe joe's that Trader Joe's sells ONLY this time of year... I love it all!

A few traditions that we have I've carried on from when we were little. Each year we drive around looking at Christmas lights and singing Christmas songs. We also as a family chose someone who is in need and do Secret Santa. This is a tradition my kids LOVE. And probably one of the only times that my kids keep a secret. ;) Tonight we did another tradition that we used to do when I was little. Bry is at a work function and so the kids and I went to my parents house for dinner and FHE. After dinner we went in the living room and my Dad read us Christmas stories. Now, I've heard these same stories year after year for probably 20 years and every time I hear them I cry... tonight I didn't disappoint. The tears were stronger than ever {I'll blame it partly on the hormones! lol} and the Spirit I felt was amazing. It was so neat to sit with my littles and share these stories. After that my parents told my kids about Christmas when they were growing up. It was such a fun night!

This year I also started another tradition of letting my kids help decorate the Christmas tree. I can remember being little and wanting to help sooo bad. My Mom would let us help and then stay up all night long re-arranging the tree to make it look perfect. A few weeks ago I told Bry my suggestion of allowing the kids to help. He knew this was a big deal for me and told me it was up to me. So I did it. It was hard at first and I took a lot of deep breaths and counted to 10 a dozen times, but we made it through it. The kids had a hard time realizing that not every ornament needed to be on the tree, and with the new pup who is mischievous we couldn't put the ornaments too low either. Once we got those rules established it became really fun. This year we decorated our tree with ornaments that my Mom had given me from when I was a kid. It was so fun telling the stories behind the ornaments as we hung them on the tree. When we got done Bry was giving me a hug and I said, "Be honest, how does it look?" his reply was, "baby it looks like a family decorated it together" my response was, "That's what I was afraid of" ;) I'm actually really pleased with the way it turned out.

Last night we watched the First Presidency Christmas devotional {another thing I LOVE about this time of year} and I told the kids the story of when my roommate and I drove up from Provo to Salt Lake to go to the devotional. This was before the conference center was built so it was in the tabernacle. Well we didn't have tickets but thought we could get in. Thankfully there was a sweet usher that told us she had the perfect seats for the two of us... stage right to the Tabernacle Choir! YIKES!!!! Our parents called us after and told us how they saw us on TV-- and noticed that I had a horrible case of the giggles! It was such a fun memory that I loved sharing with my kids. I loved the words that President Uchtdorf spoke regarding trying to make Christmas perfect. His words spoke directly to my heart.

I'm excited for Christmas. I love reflecting on our Savior and Redeemer and the life He lived. I love taking this time to recognize the things that I can do to try a little harder to be a little better. It truly is the most wonderful time of the year!

Journaling

When I went to TOFW with some of my girl friends a few weeks ago we had this wonderful idea to leave our journals on our seats to "save" them for the next day. Well, we got there and our journals were gone! We were sooo sad! Our Bishop is the manager of Deseret Book, so we went to him and told him what happened, checked lost and found... nothing. I didn't know what made me more sad, the fact I had taken such great notes the night before or that I wouldn't be able to take notes that day.

The journal loss made me realize the importance of keeping a journal. There has been so many amazing events that have happened in the past 8 months that I didn't document that I wish I would have. I have documented somethings, and I love when I find a piece of paper with a thought on it or a quote I liked. But I need to be better about writing in my journal. There is something so refreshing about writing. Or typing, same diff, right? :)

So, because I may not be back on this blog for a while I thought I would end by journaling what I am thankful for.

1. I am thankful for my Savior and Redeemer, Jesus Christ.

2. I am thankful for the atonement and the opportunity I get to use it in my life

3. I am thankful for the truthfulness of the Gospel, and the peace and true joy it brings to my life.

4. I am thankful for my husband and the strength he is to me

5. I am thankful for my amazing children

6. I am thankful for forgiveness; being given forgiveness and being able to give others forgiveness

7. I am thankful for the Lord's tender mercy's

8. I am thankful for my family. I never really realized how glad I would be that my parents bought a home so close

9. I am thankful for my ward family. I am truly amazed by these wonderful people that surround me each week.

10. I am thankful for the knowledge that I am a daughter of God and that He knows me, He loves me, and He wants me to be happy.

11. I am thankful for the doors that have closed and the "friends" that have left so that I could move on and welcome true friends and great opportunity in.

12. I am thankful for the knowledge that I will be living with my family forever.

13. I am thankful to be serving with such amazing women in my ward, truly a calling that I needed desperately

14. I am thankful for the scriptures... searching, pondering, and praying are daily routine and make my days amazing

15. I am thankful for mine and Bry's jobs. We are so fortunate to have the ability to have such great jobs and great benefits when so many people are suffering. We truly are blessed.

These past 8 months have been hard, but have made me a stronger, more faithful, and more loving person. I am thankful for the trials that I have had. I am so thankful that I made a decision with Bry early on that regardless of what we were going through, things were beyond our control and the only thing we could control was our attitude, and we were going to make sure it was a good one. So, with that being said, my most favorite quote from TOFW will be my good night! :) {oh, and btw, our journals were found 4 days after TOFW ended! Thankful for CVS being close by that we went and bought new ones at lunch! ;)}

"The Atonement isn't to help you get home, it's to help you feel at home when you get there" ~Brad Wilcox

Paradise

Tomorrow seems so far away... but tomorrow I will be in Paradise. For a beautiful long weekend Bry and I are getting away {sans kids, mind you!}. I'm looking forward to sleeping in late, having someone else cook me breakfast {lunch and dinner, too!}, doing some shopping, maybe catching a movie, and spending some much needed and quality time with the love of my life.

Ahhhhhh.... weekend away... you can't seem to come fast enough!

Thankful

Today feels perfect to me... sure it's 80 outside and I feel like I am baking in the oven, but it's beautiful out there! I know not everything is perfect, but I love those days where you can look at it and think, "ahhh I really am this lucky to have this life"...

A few things I'm thankful for today

1. My hubby-- while neither of us are perfect, he is perfect for me. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. He is such a hard worker, he loves me, he makes me laugh, he sings to me, he holds me when I'm sad, and... the other night I was having hot flashes {thank you new medication lol} and he swapped me sides of the bed so I could be closer to the fan. Now that's true love!

2. My three kids-- Without a doubt every day they make me laugh so hard. They try so hard to do what is right and be good. Even though we were going to be late this morning, they thought it would be fun to wrestle until Giovanni threw up he was laughing so hard. See-- they are always thinking of others! ;)

3. My parents-- it's hard to have your parents live with you, I'm sure anyone could say that. But I am so thankful they are here right now. They are my friends and they are so helpful to me. Almost every Friday night they watch the kids so Bry and I can go on a date. Most nights I come home to a clean house and dinner on the table. Such a blessing in my life especially right now.

4. My friends-- I've had a rough few months and I can't tell you how thankful I am for the friends that have stuck by me and supported me. I'm thankful for the new friends I've made and the old friends I've reunited with.

5. Mine and Bry's Jobs-- It's hard being a mom of 3 and working full time while your hubs does the same. We are so blessed to both have great jobs that allow us to afford the things we do and allow us to have pretty great benefits. We both also work with some pretty awesome people that help the day go by! And let's not forget, our jobs allow us to afford my shopping problem ;)

6. Forgiveness-- I'm thankful for being forgiven and for affording others forgiveness. It's not always easy to forgive but I've tried remembering lately how am I supposed to expect forgiveness if I don't show forgiveness. I'm thankful for second chances, and for the opportunity to repent of things I've done wrong.

7. Anniversary Get Away-- I'm especially thankful that in 1 week from today I will be leaving town to get away with my main squeeze for a much needed get away!

Those are some things I'm thankful for... what about you?!

Hanging On

Giovanni has had a tooth that has wiggled and jiggled for what has felt like forever! We have been convinced that the Tooth Fairy was going to pay Giovanni a visit for months. Well, last night I came home and noticed the tooth was loose and turning dark, so it was dying. After a ton of tantrums-- I mean, after Giovanni getting over his fears and becoming strong and courageous he {finally} let Mommy tie a string around the stubborn tooth and pull it out! He was a great helper, after we were all done he said, "you were pushing the string {which he calls shring love it!} down, finally you understood I was telling you pull up and my tooth popped out. You have to pull up on it like you do the weeds, Mom" If only we had listened to him 30 min earlier!

So, finally after 6.5 long years, Giovanni was paid his first visit by the Tooth Fairy, who had to call in for back up because Giovanni didn't want the tooth to fall off his bunk bed so he secured it rather well! ;) He was so excited this morning when he found the money the Tooth Fairy had left him! Now let's see if the tooth next to it that is wiggling and jiggling like crazy moves a little quicker this time! :)

Have You Ever?

Have you ever had one of those Sunday's where you went to church and everything that was said was meant just for YOU? That is exactly how yesterday was.
I woke up and went in to wake the kids to find that Andy was super sick so I got the other 2 up and had Andy go back to bed. I decided I wasn't going to get frustrated that we weren't going to church as a family, instead I was going to make sure that we still made yesterday a special Sunday. So we went to church {and got there BEFORE they said the opening prayer!!!} and I am so glad we did. Yesterday was Ward Conference. Our Bishop spoke on asking questions. He told how it was a good thing to ask questions, but to make sure we are asking the right ones. He posed the question, "What if Joseph Smith never would have asked which church he should belong to". He then spoke about the atonement and asking questions while using the atonement. He spoke about how important it is to ask questions like "though I've made mistakes what good things are going on in my life?" "What has happened in my day that the Lord has shown me His tender mercies?" "Though things were rough, are they starting to get better and am I not recognizing that?".
Our Stake President spoke on the importance of recording your impressions. He said how he carries a little journal type book with him in his truck for when he gets out of the Temple, as soon as he is done with his session he writes down the impressions he gets. The book never leaves his truck. He also has one that he carries with him to church. I loved that idea. I've often heard something I liked and thought about writing it down and when I get around to it I've blanked on what it was about. He also talked about how every member was born to proclaim the Gospel.
Sunday School was about missionary work. The thing I most loved from Sunday School was the quote "Let your life be the lesson and the Spirit be the Teacher". When we came in they had TWILAMC written on the board, I couldn't figure it out. They said "When you are talking to someone you can share the gospel by simply ending something with and that's what I love about my church!" LOVE it!!
Relief Society didn't give me a chance to have a dry eye. Our sweet Stake Relief Society President probably couldn't concentrate with my sobs. She spoke to us about charity. Her challenge to all of us was to "just be nice"... This is something I have not been to some people, and I'm so ashamed of myself for that. She also told us the importance of giving the benefit of the doubt or remaining quiet, and how charity is expecting the very best of each other. All that she was saying was hitting so close to home for me. It was just what I needed to hear. She also said that if these things were not something we were currently doing, or just started to do, that's ok. Move forward and learn to bide your tongue because words are one thing you can never take back. In closing she said, "Anger and resentment is like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die".
I feel so refreshed and rejuvenated by church yesterday. I feel so excited for next week. I went to bed last night feeling spiritually full. It was a great feeling. Our Relief Society has been challenged to read the Book of Mormon in full in 100 days. That's about 9 pages a day. I'm excited for this challenge. It is something I need in my life. I am so thankful that Heavenly Father inspired these amazing Brothers and Sisters to speak on what they spoke of. I am thankful for the atonement and for the opportunity I have to make my wrongs right. I am thankful for the strong Spirit I've felt in my home and in my life. I am thankful for the miracle of forgiveness and for answers to prayers.

Saturday Is a Special Day

We have a new routine around here... Saturday night is our "prep time". 8 o'clock church comes early {how is it that I can be out of the house with the kids on school days by 8 but can't be to church by 8?! Really gotta work on that!} so we've learned little tricks that help us to make Sunday mornings more peaceful. Shockingly, when I'm stressed I can be a yeller, and yelling for sure is not inviting to the spirit.

We get our hair cut and leave our attitude behind {but not our sarcasm!}

We try on our outfits and get our jewelry ready {don't worry I said no to the skull necklace!}

We practice our best smiles for Primary

We make sure our favorite boots are by Daddy's door to get shined

Then we take showers, read scriptures, say prayers, and head to bed. Saturday nights have become my favorite night around here. I love getting prepared for the Sabbath. I love that our family is working together to get ready to go to church. We have felt such a difference in our family over the past few weeks. I am so thankful for the changes we have made. I'm thankful for the atonement and the opportunity I have to go to church and feel the Spirit. I'm thankful for second, third, fourth, and fifth chances. I'm thankful for the power of prayer and for a loving Heavenly Father who knows me and my weaknesses. I'm thankful for change. I'm thankful for my amazing husband who is by my side every step of the way being my biggest fan. We have become so much closer as a couple, it's amazing the way things change when you have an eternal perspective. Tomorrow is our 3rd week back at church. 3 weeks in a row makes you officially "active" again. I love that we are active. It feels good to say that we are active. It's funny how my attitude has made such a difference. I spent so much time being bitter party of 1 that I didn't give the amazing women of my ward a chance. I'm so thankful they are still giving me and our family a chance.
A few weeks back I was taking Andy to Scouts and I got to the church and it was empty. I looked in my email and found his Scout leaders phone number and gave him a call. His wife answered and I told her who I was and that I was calling to make sure Scouts wasn't canceled. When I said my name the sweet sister she explained that she was my visiting teacher and she had been thinking of me. She told me that if I needed anything to please let her know. This was the key thing she said to me, "anything at all. Even just a friend to talk to, I'm here". This sister who I had ignored for months was offering me exactly what I needed at that time. A friend. Just another reminder of the Lord letting me know that I was doing the right thing and that He was mindful of His daughter who needed a little reassurance.

Wasn't Expecting this...

Today I had a dr appointment with a new obgyn. It's going on 4 years that Bry and I have been trying to have a baby. It's a discouraging, heartbreaking, frustrating path. Just when we thought we were going to have what we've been wanting I miscarried. So frustrating. Last year before I got pregnant a rep came into my office and we started talking somehow the topic got on pregnancy and I found out that she had a hard time trying to conceive as well. She mentioned the dr she went to and how he was a "miracle worker" and I should go to him. I thought about it but then got pregnant and didn't think I needed him. A few weeks ago a patient came into my office and we started talking and she tells me she was trying to get pregnant before and she went to this amazing dr, who happened to be the same dr the rep told me about. I went home that night and talked to Bry about it. I told him I wanted to see this guy and just see what he had to say. Maybe he could help, and maybe not, but I wanted to try before moving forward. Sunday Bry and I were talking to our Bishop and I told him about how frustrated/angry/sad I'd been about not being able to have a baby. He gave me some amazing advice that the Lord knows my desires and knows my heart and will put me in touch with the right people who will be able to help me. He reminded me nothing happens by accident.
Today was my appointment. I was nervous and excited. Usually when you go see a new doc it's mostly, "we'll do blood work and see what happens". I went in and right away had an ultrasound. During this the doc was showing me things he was talking about and explaining things I didn't know about my body. He found a huge cyst that he is concerned with but gave me medication to help it shrink, if that doesn't work I will have to have surgery. After asking me a ton of questions he tells me, "Well, we know what is wrong, now let's fix it". I've known that I have PCOS but I found out today that I also have endometriosis. Talking to the dr I found out that he is a former Bishop who specializes in women with PCOS and/or endometriosis. I was in the right place. I was given some scripts and a shot in the bum, and sent on my way for a few weeks unless the cyst ruptures {comforting, right?}.
Though it is not what I was expecting, I am so thankful to know what it is that is "wrong" with me. I am so thankful that I was in the right place at the right time. I'm so thankful that this sweet Dr took over an hour explaining things to me and telling me that everything will be alright. I'm not saying I'm not scared, I am. I'm not saying that I won't go through moments of discouragement, I'm sure I will. But I know that I am seeing the right doc for me. I am thankful for the Lord's tender mercies in reassuring us that He really does know my heart and my desires. I'm thankful He put me in contact with the right people, though I didn't realize it at the time. I feel great comfort and peace, and for that I am extra thankful.

Sunday Fun day!

Yesterday was a super great day! We had a super good day at church, a super good meeting with our super sweet Bishop, came home and took a super good and much needed nap (the one perk I have found to having 8 am church!), then made and ate some super yummy food while the boys watched the super football game and the girls had a super sunday craft day!

I will say the cheering was a little distracting and I burnt myself on the glue gun (my battle wound), but I am so proud of myself and Jess for the awesome job we did! I couldn't have gotten all of my "pretties" done had it not been for my Mom, too! Even Natali joined in on the crafting fun! We loved chatting, laughing, eating, and seeing the progress of our crafts!

Holy deal!!

So after my third contact in a row tore in my eye this week I found myself without any contacts left! I have an astigmatism in both eyes so my contacts are a bit pricey, being a {at times} bargain shopper I went on the hunt for the best deal for my contacts! My sweet co-worker and good friend told me about coastalcontacts.com so I checked it out and let me tell you... if you need contacts, glasses, or even sunglasses you will thank me for telling you about them! Everywhere I tried wanted around $67 a box for my contacts, so a years supply would have been $268... I ordered a years supply from coastalcontacts.com for $108!!! You get free shipping on orders over $99 and they are way quick to get to you!

A great deal I just couldn't keep to myself! :)

Don't Judge...the most honest post I've written

My life has been crazy the past few months. I have done things that I'm not proud of that have ruined friendships, which makes it that much harder. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to mistakes I've made. I will be the first to tell you that I'm a bad Mom, I'm late to everything, I'm not perfect. I have lost sight of so many things in my life. So many things. I have been in a horrible depression since I had my miscarriage in July. Depression is an ugly thing. I knew what I was feeling, but instead of taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it I decided to go in a downward spiral and make matters worse. It kills me to know that my due date is in 2 days. I try to think positively about the whole situation, but the thoughts that haunt my mind are what I did wrong to cause this... though I know these things happen and nothing could have prevented this. I hate that I took my depression and pushed people away, and did hurtful things. I hate the person I have been. I can't tell you the last time I've been to church. I justified this because I don't feel very welcome in my "new" {we are going on 8 months in this house} ward. What a horrible example I've been to my children. So many times I've found myself wanting to say a prayer, feel comforted, but didn't feel worthy of that. I'm so ashamed at myself for my actions over the past 6 months. Then it hit me...
I CAN change. The Lord has a plan, and the atonement is for EVERYONE, not just for everyone BUT me. I know my road will be a long one. I know that I will go through times where I feel sad and lonely, but it's do or die time.
I hope those I've offended read this. I hope they realize that I am trying... it's hard to change when your past is a constant reminder. I truly am sorry that the friendships that have been ruined are over. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger, that I didn't have more faith, that I wasn't a better person. Hopefully forgiveness will happen and the hurt and pain will leave.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not scared, because I am, but I'm more scared of what I will become if I don't follow through with my changes. Already I see such a difference in my family and in my relationship with Bry. I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to repent of the things I have done and put the past behind me. I'm hopeful that my future will be bright and full of friends that love me for me and stand by me through everything. I know that what I have to do is going to take a lot of work on my part, but I know that it will be worth it in the end...