Monday, July 12, 2010

A post I never wanted to write

Many of you already know, but in case you didn't... I had a miscarriage on Friday July 2nd. I will just say my heart is broken. After 3 plus years of trying to have a baby the thought of actually being blessed with one was so exciting. Our kids talked about the baby on a daily basis. Giovanni kissed my belly several times every day. The thing that was so strange about everything, the whole time I was nervous. I never fully could wrap my mind around the fact that we would be having a baby. I was so excited, but very, very nervous. Not that it made miscarring any easier. My heart still hurts. I laid in bed and cried with my kids and hubby most of the day Saturday. I'm trying to be strong, and have faith that one day when the time is right we will have a baby, but it's hard. I want one now. I'm angry, sad, frustrated, and a thousand other emotions right now. I know that the Lord knows what is best, and He schedules while I plan, but, nothing is making me take comfort in that right now. Especially when we were leaving to go swimming Friday night and Giovanni said,"I wish the baby were here still" my heart broke.
I am thankful for the Priesthood blessings both Bryant and I received from my Dad. I take comfort in the words that were spoken. I am thankful for a loving family who realize that at a drop of a hat I cry. I feel so blessed to have friends who are willing to listen to me say over and over how bad this sucks. I am thankful for the many prayers that were said for my family. I'm trying to make goals for myself so I don't slide deeper into the dark, this week my goal is not to cry. Well, at least not in public or at work. Good things will happen for my family, and we have seen blessings this past week that we weren't expecting. One being Bry got {and accepted} an amazing job offer. I guess the thing is, it's so easy to just be sad. It's so easy to want to lay in bed and cry and think about how bad this sucks. It's so easy to let myself go to that dark place. But we all know just because it's easy doesn't make it right. Sorry, I'll stop my huge run on of a sentence now. Again, thank you for the calls, the stop in's, and all the prayers.