My life has been crazy the past few months. I have done things that I'm not proud of that have ruined friendships, which makes it that much harder. I am my own worst enemy when it comes to mistakes I've made. I will be the first to tell you that I'm a bad Mom, I'm late to everything, I'm not perfect. I have lost sight of so many things in my life. So many things. I have been in a horrible depression since I had my miscarriage in July. Depression is an ugly thing. I knew what I was feeling, but instead of taking the bull by the horns and doing something about it I decided to go in a downward spiral and make matters worse. It kills me to know that my due date is in 2 days. I try to think positively about the whole situation, but the thoughts that haunt my mind are what I did wrong to cause this... though I know these things happen and nothing could have prevented this. I hate that I took my depression and pushed people away, and did hurtful things. I hate the person I have been. I can't tell you the last time I've been to church. I justified this because I don't feel very welcome in my "new" {we are going on 8 months in this house} ward. What a horrible example I've been to my children. So many times I've found myself wanting to say a prayer, feel comforted, but didn't feel worthy of that. I'm so ashamed at myself for my actions over the past 6 months. Then it hit me...
I CAN change. The Lord has a plan, and the atonement is for EVERYONE, not just for everyone BUT me. I know my road will be a long one. I know that I will go through times where I feel sad and lonely, but it's do or die time.
I hope those I've offended read this. I hope they realize that I am trying... it's hard to change when your past is a constant reminder. I truly am sorry that the friendships that have been ruined are over. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger, that I didn't have more faith, that I wasn't a better person. Hopefully forgiveness will happen and the hurt and pain will leave.
I'm not going to sit here and pretend that I'm not scared, because I am, but I'm more scared of what I will become if I don't follow through with my changes. Already I see such a difference in my family and in my relationship with Bry. I'm thankful for that.
I'm thankful that I have the opportunity to repent of the things I have done and put the past behind me. I'm hopeful that my future will be bright and full of friends that love me for me and stand by me through everything. I know that what I have to do is going to take a lot of work on my part, but I know that it will be worth it in the end...
5 comments:
I think it's great that you posted this. It's good for you and for everyone else. We need to share our griefs with one another in order for us to help one another. I have shared some pretty personal stuff on my blog lately, and although i haven't told all the details, it has helped me so much to have the support of my friends while i am going through these difficult times. And it has opened up others who have been in similar situations, allowing us to be able to relate and them to be able to help me through it. We are all here to lift one another up. depression sucks. Ive dealt with it my whole life. There are times when im good and times when im not good. And now my poor daughter is suffering hard from it. Don't ever try to do anything alone. Reach out to others. And dont feel like a horrible mom. No one is perfect. we all make mistakes and the Lord knows that. All we can do is try to make things right within our power. I would suggest trying to mend things with those you feel you have hurt. That's part of the repentance process. It will help heal your heart ... and theirs. And you will feel so much better. You may not be ready to yet, but it's just a thought. And if they choose not to accept it, that's their right. and it may take them time to heal from the hurt as well. But you are already on the right path by writing this and wanting to make a change in your life. Life is not easy. It never will be. Ive learned that. I am hit with crap every day. I want to just give up everyday because i feel like the Lord doesnt love me. But the one thing the Lord doesn't take away from others is agency and infortunately, people use their agency that can affect us and we have no control over it. But what He does offer is His love and comfort. We just have to be willing to accept it. I know it's hard. Believe me. I am going through it now. I hope I've helped a little. It's actually hard for me to even write this because i'm having a hard time with things myself. But sometimes saying (or writing) them outloud helps, and telling a friend helps. Hang in there. Love you girl!
Hi Autumn,
You can do this. Hang in there, do what you need to do and don't stop trying.
I love ya girl! I second Susan's comment!
"Try, Try Again" is one of my of my favorite quotes! I know you can do it and the Lord loves you and will guide you on your journey! Baby steps :) I try to remind my self that every day :) I set an alarm on my phone to remind me to say my morning and evening prayers... might sound silly but my days go so much better when I ask for the Lord's help right off the bat! :)
Thanks for being so open and honest Autumn. Don't be so hard on yourself. Life is so hard, and Satan is working harder than ever. The important thing is that you have recognized that things need to change and are taking the right steps in the right direction. I hope things get better with your new ward. It's hard to feel accepted sometimes. For me personally, I have found that if I want to feel accepted, I have to be the one to reach out to others because many times it doesn't happen the other way around. And remember that the gospel is true regardless of the imperfect actions of others. Stay strong in the gospel...I have learned that this is the only way to find peace in life amongst all the trials. You're doing great Autumn. Thanks for sharing.
Love this post Autumn! Your honesty and courage are inspiring to me. :) *HUGS*
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